August 2011
3 posts
AMAZING STATISTICS
Watch out, David Blaine is in the building.
Currently, the wealth of the top 400 Americans is estimated to be somewhere around 1.27 trillion dollars (by veteran cookie eater Michael Moore), and the total net worth of the bottom 50% of America is somewhere around 1.22 billion (also from milkshake aficionado Michael Moore).
Pretty crazy right? Well get this - if you look at the thickness of each...
Why you need Facebook.
“Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human. Society is something that precedes the individual. Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god. “
~ Aristotle
“So...
July 2011
1 post
I'm still kind of dormant.
Work makes it tough for me to have the time to write thoughtful, supremely absurd blog entries, and for that I apologize. But in the meantime, here are some fun facts:
- I deactivated my Facebook because I was tired of having Indonesian gay men add me.
- That’s really about it.
Well, that’s not true. I recently had an older e-mail account hacked, and it’s been sending my...
January 2011
12 posts
List of funny things that i can refer back to when...
random barfing
poop jokes
yelling
dads being dads
That’s it, nothing else is funny.
The Media apologizes for ruining everything;...
The Media has apparently issued a statement of apology for what it calls “distorting factual evidence to create ratings.”
According to sources, The Media “is very sorry for not relaying practical and informative stories to everyone, and for blowing things way out of proportion.”
Many experts are quite shocked by this. Ron Taugher, a professor of Media Studies at the...
This is funny but not in a ha-ha way
Why is it that a person who doesn’t have a lot of money to begin with is charged more money by a bank for not having enough money, even though the bank is the one who has all the money anyway and thus is essentially taking money from you for not having any money?
No, I didn’t overdraft, but I have before and I just can’t stop thinking about how ridiculous the concept of paying...
A very ungrammatical and manic website pitch made...
Okay so bear with me this idea is fresh off the brain press but maybe like we can make a website where people who just want to hang out all the time and smoke weed but aren’t like right next to each other can go online and find people who like to smoke weed and they can chat real time like SKYPE you know what i mean man? and like also they can like buy cheap weed and exchange it but totally...
College student discovers roommate is a barrel.
Los Angeles, CA - Brian Plouth, UCLA economics student, just recently made the realization that his roommate of 4 months, Chris Wilkins, is actually a wooden barrel.
“It was weird, man. I was hanging out with my buddy Rich [Kleinpfell], and he made some joke about Chris being a ‘barrel of laughter.’ That’s when we both kind of realized that we were hanging out with a...
First dream of the New Year might also be best...
It started normal enough; I was hungover at a TGI Fridays type place called Baligans. This place had comically large chairs and coffee tables. I was the only person there besides a very large Asian family. I was hungover and just wanted some coffee. They were taking a really long time, as some Open Mic had just started, and dozens of people flocked into the restaurant to perform their songs....
December 2010
42 posts
Could you guys help me with my personal statement...
Thanks a lot; any suggestions you could offer would be really appreciated. I’m really stressed about it. Here goes:
Dear Princeton Admissions board,
I am delighted to inform you that I am interested in applying to your Geosciences Program for Graduate School, beginning in the Fall of 2011. I know, I know, stop all the presses, bring out the champagne - everything is going to work out....
boredumb asked: would you rather be conventionally successful with a nice salary plus benefits but only be able to piss while sitting down (and everybody knows about it but nobody ever really says anything to your face about it)
or
would you rather be a complete failure at your passion but have a huge inheritance to live off of but you have to volunteer every Tuesday and Thursday at the local...
or
would you rather be a complete failure at your passion but have a huge inheritance to live off of but you have to volunteer every Tuesday and Thursday at the local...
Cameron stares into your soul.
boredumb:
o hay want to ask me a queston or tell me a story plz do
learnin' bout the holocaust with my pal...
Shalom SUCKAS,
Today I learned that the Holocaust never happened and that all Jews have a secret telepathic power where they can communicate thoughts about hating everyone that isn’t a Jew. Oh also I learned that dolphins do this too - it’s called dolphinese.
Youtube teaches me many things: it helps me understand that if I disagree with someone, I should call them a faggot or...
~My Dream~
Last night I dreamt that I was in a Winter Wonderland, where I could see only white snow falling upon the stoic statues of the central square. The park was vibrant with life, children excited to see the first snow of the year, lovers at the skating rink, sad men still sad. A giant ravine was in the center of it all, with spiral staircase descending into a lower level of the park. Above were...
Cold Play took a little nod from Jesus and Mary...
Family in shambles after teenage son switches...
Derek McDonnell of Duluth, Minnesota has caused a serious turmoil in his home after deciding to switch from his traditionally used Google search engine to Microsoft’s Bing search engine.
Derek, 15, claims that he just doesn’t see the appeal of using a browser that everybody else is using. ”I go to school every day, and whenever I use a computer in the computer lab, it defaults to Google. My...
LIFE'S TOUGH
Sorry about my relative inactivity, my little pookies. Sometimes real life rears its ugly head, and I have to respond to it the only way that I can: by acting like everything is super overwhelming and proceeding to refresh the Google homepage, hoping that a secret link will pop up that gives me access to some dead senator’s offshore bank account. It would be easier to provide you little...
important bedtime notes part two
Failed Con Air spinoffs:
Con Zeppelin Soul Con Air Con Air Bud
Do you think that Eric Clapton came from a long line of enthusiastic audience members?
BA DUM SHUUUUSH
important bedtime notes
List of things nicer than taking a shower:
- Eating in the shower
- Styling a mohawk with shampoo in the shower
- Having a seat in the shower and/or taking a nap in the shower because phew you’re tired
Sometimes I think life is kind of like a shower. You start out warm and you have a lot of options in terms of where you can go temperature-wise. As time goes on, you lose heat slowly,...
NEW WIKILEAKS CABLES RELEASED
We here at Internet Birthday have just received word that an additional 50 cables were just released to the public from recent information-terrorist organization Wikileaks. The cables, all of which are classified as “secret,” convey highly disturbing facts about various world leaders and will likely be the cause of a lot of shame and awkward silence at dinner tables...
Open paint. Close your eyes. Draw a cat.
oldfamiliarway:
needylesnicki:teenagedirtbagg-:battery-x-ray:neonheartday-gloweyes:atomicdiamond:fuckyeahmontykarl: themoonlighthitsyourbrighteyes:greenumbrellatrees:buttsuke: chicksdigthephoenix:reversesquiggly:
OH GOD IT’S FACE IS ON ITS ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS LOLOLOLOLOL
DFÑLGDFS LOL
It looks like a camel…
lolololol
omg
i cant even.
OH GOD IT LOOKS LIKE A...
